I Know Something of Grief

I think most people in your life can sympathize
And maybe some pity you, I don't know
But not me. Not me!
I empathize
Because I know something of grief

The loss of a childhood

From a hillbilly elegy mother
The loss of a sister 

Who was never allowed to be born
The loss of my innocence

Taken by my own blood

The loss of my high school math teacher
In a freak road accident
The suicide of my 9th grade boyfriend

Who was physically abusive

The traumatic death of a most beloved niece
Who was a rare joy 
In an otherwise bleak childhood
Who we never knew was an addict
Who we never knew was cutting herself

The loss of my baby bunny Mowgli

From my negligence and depression

The only one who ever made me feel loved

Some things in life are perhaps more important 

Than dating and relationships
Things like compartmentalizing grief
So we can live, laugh and love again
So we can experience joy
So we can sleep

I know something of grief
No one ever told me, how heavy it is

How exhausting it is to carry
I can see the invisible weight, dragging you down

And I also see the strength you have had to grow

To keep carrying on

There is no moving-on from grief

It takes resilience to carry forward

I can see yours, and I respect it!

I know something of loss

I have lost a lot that is never coming back

It is not my fault, I did nothing wrong

And I know that now
There is nothing I could have done different
That could have saved any or all

I don't pity myself, so I don't pity you either

I recognize your strength, because I have it too
I know my weight, and I feel yours too

I know something of grief

The hole in your heart is just love all pooled up
Grief is just love that has no place to go

I have a lot of compartmentalized grief
And that is why, I have a lot of love to give

What I wish I could say to you

If only you could see what I see in you
Then you would know...
I see a brave, courageous man
And an extraordinarily plucky and resilient child
Deeply hurt, with open bleeding wounds

I wish more people told you
That they love you
And that you deserve to be loved
Then maybe just maybe
The walls of distrust, distress and dread
Would begin to crumble

Then maybe just maybe
You will believe that you are loved
You have loved your inner child
Your entire life
A most nurturing, paternal love

You have been there for yourself
You got yourself out
Of every deep dark hole you fell into
Cheering yourself on
To keep going
For every success, large or small

You raised yourself
And you will always be there
You will always love yourself
Even when you die

The adult you, the wise you, the today you
Has always been with this child
You are the father you seek
You have been the father you never had

And one day
You will be a wonderful father to your children
For you have had a lifetime of practice

- pHoEnIx

 
  For Cody